{11.5} 2nd letter home - Homesick punches my gut

Family,

Tonight I suffer from the most miserable homesickness. I miss you all so much. I miss having you near. I miss the drunk texting and passing out on your couches, or beds. I miss the people whom I truly connected with. I am so open in this letter to you, and it is stunning me. Literally, I feel lost and confused. Why am I writing this? Why do I feel this way? I'm in paradise for gawd sakes. Fuck it hurts.

Indeed Brado & I meet many people, but every friendship ends so quickly, anywhere from 1-3 days. It's always the same. We spend a short amount fo time with a person, or a gorup, and then they're gone. Perhaps I'm too social. I don't know. I connected so deeply with you all. Or at least that's what I felt.

I'm growing tired of this constant heartbreaking. I yearn for you, my family. All these random fucking people. Some swear they're hot shit. Others are cool as ice cream. And with them it's great! We converse and connect and conversation forms high and flows powerfully and smoothly and rockets foreward full of energy and intrigue. As perfect strangers we smile passionately. Our banter deeply plunges into substance and it's delightful.

And then, with equal grace it dissolves. And again you're lonely. Again you seek a social group. I'm at the ridiculous Australian island called Magnetic Island. I swear to gawd I've befriended a third of the people here. Tonight's the 3rd night and I know it's our last and I'm fucking hurt again. What's the point?

Nobody we've met is nearly as fun or happy or cool as any of you. And the damn Canadians. Bunch of wankers. It's funny, many Canadians travel but few Americans do. So locals naturally think I'm Canadian. Then I tell them I'm not and they apologize. They tell me when Canadians are called American it pisses them off. WHAT THE FUCK! Before I noticed that trend of comments, I gave all Canadians a chance like the bubbly Minx you all know. And I've met only 4 cool ones (we've met countless in total). The rest either just suck or are ASSHOLES. Damn I'm in a bad mood. Sorry to send another depressing letter. You're the only one's I've told this to, like the whole lonely thing and all. I see your faces through everyday. My heart cramps when I do.

I know this is a fucking gnarly experience and I'm so lucky and blah blah blah, and at the end I'll be all strong 'n' shit. But fuck that. Right now, in this gawd damn bunk bed, in this gawd damn cabin, on this gawd damn island, my heart aches. That's where the pain is—my heart.

I'm sure I'll get over this, and be better off when I do. But right now it hurts. Damn it. Please come meet up with us. And I don't say that because I need you here. I don't, though I'd like it. Really, I love you all and want you to travel and see the world. This really is cool. Gawd I'm a mess. I miss how Laurie felt in my arms.

Sometimes a bunch of stuff goes around in your head and you can't stop it. So you write it down and it feels better. I feel better. Thanks. Good talk haha.

I'm gonna smoke a cig and sleep. Write the second half of this crazy fucking letter when the sun shines again.

Oh! Before I drift off to dreamland, I must quickly remark how much I appreciate every comment and email and message. I see you speaking when I read them. I hear you when I read them. They're like little hugs and keep me going. Fuckin love you.